gipsylife resurrection

Without further ado, please go here. Thank you!

embracing

Today was a beautiful day in the Pacific Northwest. Sunny, blue skies, a slight chill in the air that gave way to warmer promises of summer as the day unfolded. I have the weekend off and this morning I cycled into Bellingham to the Farmer’s Market. As I was strolling across the market, enjoying my favorite German pretzel bun with salami and buying beautifully scented lilacs the word embrace kept popping into my head. Yes, today was all about embracing.

Embracing. This beautiful part of the world I call home. Because I’ve been such a gipsy for most of my adult life I never quite shake off the sensation that my living situation is only temporary. It is only very slowly sinking in that I don’t have to go anywhere if I don’t want to. That I can stay right here, in this little town by the sea, and call it my home. All I need to do is embrace it.

Embracing. An afternoon spent at the bookstore cafe with a glass of wine and a generous serving of tapenade. The cafe is located on the third floor of one of the nicest bookstores I have ever known. The views from the cafe reach across town to the bay and the San Juan Islands and as I was sitting there, with my laptop of course!, processing my photos from the morning, I kept pinching myself. I live here, this is my home.

Embracing. My friendships in this area. Being able to just drive across the border and spend a Sunday afternoon with my friends in Vancouver. Oh I know, I talk about this frequently. This part, too, is only slowly sinking in. And I’ve been thinking about it a lot today. Friendships. And how I want to start focusing on making some local friends. To go to the market with and meet for bike rides and after work drinks.

Embracing. Possibilities. Of light and space. I am still thinking about moving this summer. I am craving light so much these days. And today, as I entered my apartment from the bright outside, it really struck me just how dark it is. It faces north and is never touched by the sun. There is so much I love about this place, but the craving for light, and space, is persisting. Somehow both seem vital for my alive theme this year, and alive is very much on my mind these days. But for now I am just playing with the possibilities. My mind is not yet made up. Today I took a drive around some of the apartment buildings that are facing the sea and I stopped at an older looking one to talk to a man who was enjoying a beer on his balcony. He has been living there for 35 years, he told me, and most of the apartments are owner occupied but there is a neighbor who was thinking about renting his. I got the neighbor’s details, you never know! Other options I am contemplating are brightening up my place with lighter wall colors, furniture and lamps. When I moved in here I was given a freshly renovated beige canvass: brown 70s style shag carpet (which never looks great in photos but which I love actually, it’s very cozy) and taupe walls. Maybe I could do the German thing and paint the walls white and see where that takes me? Ultimately staying here would save me quite a bit of money and that is a strong argument. But if I could find an affordable bright place with sea views I would be very tempted. Aah, these are possibilities I love embracing.

Embracing. Blogging. My virtual home has been through its share of ups and downs. I’ve thought of taking breaks, turning off comments, changing directions and closing it down altogether. More often than not I am not sure where I fit in within this online community. But whatever my misgivings are, it seems that I am still at it! Still embracing it. Still liking it. These days there are so many photography and artist and lifestyle blogs that I decided to keep mine just the way it is: a personal journal of my travels through this life and the world, stories told in photos and words, subjective opinions given and shared, one voice amongst many. Blogging has helped me put things into perspective, it keeps me writing and thinking and moving forward. And I value so much the connections I have made, and the real friends I have found through this medium.

Well, it seems that I am also embracing the night once again, it is after 2:30 am! Yikes. But I can sleep in tomorrow and don’t have to be at work until Monday afternoon. Good night, my friends, and thank you for listening!

perspective

They don’t say “perspective is everything” for nothing. They should add “and it doesn’t come easy.” Meaning, there always seems to be a painful lesson or two that we have to work through to arrive at this conclusion. Or perhaps that’s just me, every now and then I go to these dark places and the only way to get to the other side is to move right through them. And to accept that they are a part of me, just like the lighter and more carefree side of my nature that always believes in positive outcomes.

Letting go of the notion that I have to always feel 100% convinced that we are doing the right thing has been a huge relief. It means that I can move on and look ahead. It means that my husband and I can continue to make the best of our situation, he can focus on his son without guilt, and I can keep on putting down the roots for our future in a part of the world that we both love. And that continues to grow on me.

Today I really felt it. After having gotten the first good night’s rest in a week I came home from the hotel this morning and the sun was shining and the skies were blue. Despite a forecast for rain. Which never happened. Instead it turned into a gorgeous day. And so I got my bicycle out and rode into Bellingham, I’ve discovered this gorgeous little trail along the water and the air was warm and laden with spring scents. I stopped at a cafe for lunch and skyped with my husband; how can you not love technology for being able to do that. And no-one thinks it strange anymore to see a woman sitting outside a cafe talking to her computer! Once back home I decided to run some errands and put the top down on the bug and took the long way through downtown to the shops. I am really enjoying getting to know this little town better, and discovering some parts that I really like. And as I cruised through the streets, catching glimpses of the ocean every now and then, I thought about the last week where despite some of the darkness I was moving through, there were also a lot of good moments with my friends. Like C. who had just finished her flight attendant trip in Seattle where her husband picked her up and they popped into the hotel on their way back to Vancouver. Or L. who came down for a night with her daughter. Or having dinner at Maddie’s lovely house. Those are the moments that make it all worthwhile. And that help put things into perspective. And move me from the darkness back into the light.

in the deep of the night

Do cats ever suffer from insomnia? I know that this one doesn't! Taken with my camera phone last night, the little tiger has been keeping me sweet company all day and evening. He has settled in well, he really is such a lovely little companion and occupying a firm place in my heart.

It is 3 am. Another sleepless night. This time it’s mostly due to my cold and the tickly cough that seems to get worse every time I lie down. I have not really taken any medication for this cold, trying to let my body fight it off naturally, only helping with lots of rest, vitamin C, echinacea,  scarf around my neck, Vicks vapor rub on my chest and homemade chicken soup. For the most part I have managed to keep it at bay, but it’s the nighttime cough that’s driving me crazy right now. It’s not even a bad cough, not chesty or anything, just this annoying tickle at the back of my throat. And of course I have enough thoughts in my head to keep it good company, such is the curse of the night owl, too. Sigh.

Luckily I had these last two days off and I am not scheduled to be back at work until tomorrow afternoon. The next two weeks are still going to be intense but I feel that I’ve had some good rest and more than anything I have June to look forward to when my husband and I will have a whole week off together. Yay! We both need it, too, he has also been buried in work, more so than usual.

I spent part of this afternoon looking at rental apartments in this area. My husband thinks I am crazy and while I understand his reasons I think he should also know me better. Just like he enjoys looking at (and dreaming of, and sometimes buying, too) motorcycles and airplanes I love creating new living spaces; sometimes only in my head, sometimes for real. That’s just the gipsy in me. She loves moving and setting up new homes. I am probably totally in the wrong profession and should have become an architect, or interior designer. Or real estate agent. Anyway, don’t get me wrong. I love my cozy little apartment in this quaint part of town. It ticks many boxes on my list of things that make a dwelling a home. But there is always room for improvement, namely I would love a place that was lighter (my apartment is north facing and therefore quite dark) and that had two bedroom instead of just one, so that I could accomodate guests more comfortably. I love that my Canadian friends come to visit me and I want to encourage more visitors from England and Germany. My part of town is historic and a little exclusive, it really is quite lovely, but sometimes also a little too intimate for this city girl. And while I love my commute of one minute sometimes work, and our guests, feel a little too close for comfort. Having said this, if I could afford a bigger place right here then I would jump at it. But I am also focusing in on another part of town, not too far away. It’s an “up and coming” area, a little industrial, overlooking the harbor, but also where the farmer’s market is located, and quirky coffee shops and restaurants. It reminds me a little of the east side of London, which has become very hip over the years and is now heavily developed. These are the kind of areas that have always felt more “real” to me, closer to the pulse of life and perhaps a little Bohemian, too. Although I guess my current town would also fall into the latter category. And it is neater and prettier. Nonetheless, today I drove to the market and noticed a couple of nice looking newer apartment buildings, similar to the one I live in now. And they are more affordable, for only $100 more I could get a two-bedroom apartment that is west facing, has a fireplace and underground parking. The bike path is close by and I could cycle to work on dry days, it is a lovely ride along the bay. And in the summers I would just have to cross the road to get to the farmer’s market.

Alas, for now I am just dreaming. My lease keeps me here until at least August. And really, I do love my little apartment, it is very comfortable and feels good. I am sure my husband is reading this and rolling his eyes in exasperation and feeling slightly worried. So I want to assure him that I won’t do anything rash or financially insensible. Just daydreaming …

Seriously, this cat sleeps a LOT.

trusting your path

The tulip fields in Skagit County. The last one was taken with my polaroid and the scanning
unfortunately loses quite a bit of its definition and color depth, the original actually
came out rather well and is so far my favorite polaroid.

When I recently wrote about the doubts and hopes surrounding my long distance marriage the word strength kept appearing in comments and emails, and how what we are doing must require lots of it. This made me think. Is it really a question of strength, and not rather one of conviction and trust? When I am doubting our decision it does take enormous effort to stay on track, yet when I surrender into trust everything feels a lot lighter and easier. Knowing that we are doing the right thing is what carries me through the rough times. And not feeling sure is what unhinges me in my darker moments.

In an ideal world we feel 100% sure about our decisions all the time. But maybe this is not how it works in real life? The truth is that I don’t always know that we are doing the right thing. And that’s not a good place to be when you are far away from the one person you trust with your thoughts and feelings. In fact, you are so far away that you even begin to doubt that trust. And so you begin to crave reassurance, and affirmation. And when you don’t get that you go to an even darker place. When I got to this point over the last couple of days, enhanced by feeling sorry for myself because I was sick and on my own with it, it took a lot of effort to propel myself out of this funk. But what if it is ok to not always be 100% certain of our decisions? Perhaps that’s where the strength comes in?

Despite a sore throat and coughing fits I decided to take advantage of a beautiful day and put the top down on the little bug and went for a ride to the tulip fields in Skagit county. While driving through the rural countryside with the distant views of the Cascade mountains I thought about all the things I worried about, and was afraid of, with regards to my marriage. And I realized just how much of it was a reflection of my own baggage of experiences and deep seated fears about abandonment and rejection. How when I start peeling back those layers of doubts and worries there is still the truth at its core, and that’s how much I love my husband. And how much I do want to make this work. Living on opposite coasts was a huge decision, and one that is not easily reversible, nor can it easily be changed into something else. It is what it is. And even though I am not always 100% sure that it was the right decision I know that we made it in good faith and with the best of intentions for all involved (because it’s not just about me and him.) And with enough strength to make up the difference we will be able to keep trusting our path.

welcome to the club

One of the things I’ve been neglecting over recent months is my photography. To the point where I felt like everyone was overtaking me and running ahead in a race that only existed in my head. As in, I could see how so many other photographers were evolving and finding their stride while I had to go back to relearning basic functions of my camera because I picked it up so rarely these days. It seemed more effort than it was worth. Which is quite ridiculous because every time I do go out and take photos it never fails to awaken that wonderful sense of aliveness from within. Every single time.

So last week I decided to rekindle the passion and, inspired by the formidable Susannah, purchased a Polaroid SX-70 from eBay. I just love what she does with that camera, or any camera for that matter, she never fails to inspire and amaze me with her talents. I did not have a huge amount of money to splurge on the SX-70, so I just made sure that it was tested (as recommended by Susannah) and went for a reasonably priced used model. It arrived today! Together with the 600 film and the filters necessary to adapt it for this camera as the SX-70 film is no longer available. Well, I can see that this is going to be a process of love, labor, trial and error. I am already detecting a permanent smudge on every shot so I will have to see whether a good lense clean will fix that. My first poloroids were taken indoors at night and they have a distinct yellow/green tinge, probably a combination of the indoor lighting and the neutral filter that I attached to the film. I was tempted to edit them, you know how much I love my photoshop, but decided against it because that’s the whole point of Polaroids, what you see is what you get! Susannah did mention that one has to waste a few packets of film until you get the desired effect which is not a cheap endeavour as anyone with a Polaroid will know.  The other challenge is the scanning, it does further distort the image but overall my scanner isn’t doing too bad a job.

Because of the cost of the film this camera will force me to slow down and think about the photos I am about to take. Which, I have to admit, is a new concept to me but not an unwelcome one.  Polaroids still meet me half way as they satisfy my instant gratification desires by producing a quick result. So we will see where this takes me, I look forward to taking it out into the spring this weekend!

Do any of you use the SX-70, or other Polaroid cameras? Do you have any great tips for me?

work, friends and another haircut

I cannot remember a time when a job took so much out of me. When I say that we work for 16 hours straight during our 24-hour shifts, I do mean work. Not always frantic, or rushed off our feet ~ in fact, whenever you walk into our hotel it’s always calm and quiet, even when we have a full house. That’s what our guests love about the place. And we put an amazing amount of energy and effort into keeping it that way. It’s all about the detail. Seriously, all the minute and larger pieces of labor and organization that are required to make this quaint little inn run smoothly are quite mind blowing. Because we are a small business all of us get involved in many areas of it, and our job is not just about making our guests feel safe and happy, we also work in support of each other, always preparing for the next person. And that’s what happens during those 16 hours: it’s a continuous string of details that rarely lets up. No time for coasting. None.

I am not a naturally hard worker. I like and need my time off and my personal life has always been more important to me than my career. However, I am a very conscientious worker. I take pride in doing my job well, I don’t like to slack and expect a lot of myself when it comes to the quality of my work. I tend to be very focussed and consider the impact of my actions on others. I care, about the people I work with and their business. And so, suddenly, I find myself working very hard. The upside of this is that those long days go by fast. And I have gained a much better understanding of my husband’s exhaustion at the end of a day or week, this is how he works all the time.

For me, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. And there is. I have hired two wonderful candidates, one of them a young student who wanted this job so badly. I am very fond of her and see a lot of potential, and if it is this opportunity that sets her off on a positive career path then my hard work will have been worth it. Ever since the two previous employees left have I had a vision of the kind of team I want to build, and I am hopeful that I am on the right track.

But in the meantime I still have at least a couple more weeks of long hours and juggling two jobs ahead of me. And I try to make the most of the little free time I have. Which sometimes (often!) means not doing much of anything. And letting go instead. Of the pressure I put on myself for not having cleaned my apartment properly in ages, of not exercising enough, and busying myself with this and that. Instead I try to rest. And spend time with a good friend at a lovely local wine bar, where we were joined by a delightful young man, waxing lyrical about photography and life, and getting totally into Maddie’s Fuji instant camera!

Or get a new haircut. Again.

Or take the little bug for an open top ride when the weather is too glorious to justify staying home.
Like today:

My little town in the Pacific Northwest. Taken on April 20, 2009.

doubts and fears and hopes

It is in on days like the last few that I question what we are doing. Living on opposite coasts, thousands of miles away from each other, connected only by satellites high in the sky and the love in our hearts. What are we doing working our socks off and then coming home, exhausted and tired, to an empty house, rather than a tender hug, or a gentle foot rub, or a shared meal? What are we doing not sharing our physical lives, having been married for only four years? When I feel so depleted of energy and sleep it is easy to get sucked into this vortex of doubt and resentment. Yet this is what we have chosen to do, a decision borne out of much deliberation and in the spirit of love. But I would be lying if I said that this makes it all worthwhile. Although, most days it does. But not always. Sometimes the longing and the ache for him get the better of me. Like on days like today. When I finally get off work after spending 28 hours away from home, when the sun is shining and the air is warm and hints of spring are becoming fulfilled promises. That’s when I want him to be here with me, so that we can share in these moments together, and turn them into the building blocks with which we continue to strengthen our young foundation.

Do I want to turn back the clock? Return to the east coast and the life we had there? Sometimes yes. But only because I want to be with him. And because I fear that we are missing out on so much by no longer sharing our day-to-day lives. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am for modern day technology. I am not sure that we could do this without our daily phone calls and Skype chats. They help a lot, especially the latter. The other thing that makes the pain more tolerable is the fact that I never expected this to be easy. That I knew there would be times when the doubts and the longing would try to crush me down hard. And that my husband would always be there to pick up the pieces. He always knows when I need to hear his voice the most, and what words to say and even when to whisk me away from it all! Another thing I know is that we will get through this. And that one day in a couple of years we will be enjoying the magnificent scenery of our little town by the sea together. Every day.

And until then there are alway photos to be shared. Of balmy spring evenings by the water and hopeful blossoms in the blue sky.

transitions

My two tigers. The little one resting on my new sofa, yes, it finally arrived! More photos to come once I've had a chance to rearrange my wall art and everything else that still needs to be done. Taken on April 11, 2009.

It’s been a while. No computer for a week because I finally sold my MacBook, too, (thank you Craigslist!) and then had to wait for my sexy, new and gorgeous MacBook Pro. Oh, how I love thou. Even though it was hard to part with my iMac I am so glad that I decided to simplify my digital life by trading my two computers in for one. The Pro has a larger screen than my previous MacBook which makes just the difference I needed to still be able to process my photos comfortably. And I just love the sleek new design and illuminated keyboard. It makes me feel a little like the tiger above. Happy. Sigh.

And that’s just as well, because otherwise I am feeling pretty blown out and tired. The days with my husband were wonderful and quiet. We both needed to just chill out and relax. But whatever rest we got, it was quickly replaced by sleep deprived nights and long days at work. Yesterday I put in an 18-hour day and what was supposed to be a two day weekend off has been cut short as I need to go back in for another 16-hour shift tomorrow because of a sick colleague. We are going through a tough transition as I recently lost two staff members which has a considerable effect on the remainder of my small team. When I started my new job last December I inherited quite a bit of baggage from my predecessor and I am relieved to say that this is now behind us. But until we have replaced those two positions the rest of us are pitching in and filling the gaps. Over the last two days I interviewed 14 people and I am very happy to have seen some excellent candidates. To be honest, I am pretty amazed by the response I had from just one ad on Craigslist. This was really just a “let’s see what it comes up with” since it didn’t cost anything: I received nearly fifty applications and they are still coming in. So far I have asked five people back for a second interview and I am very hopeful that two of them will live up to the potential I see in them and that I can offer them a job by next week.

My whole attitude towards my job has undergone many shifts since I started it almost five months ago. I have always striven for a personal life/work balance that I am finding quite hard to maintain here in the US. This balance is the main reason why in the past I have recoiled whenever I was pushed up too fast and too high, I rejected anything that I feared would intrude too much into my private life. And now I am in my late 40s and a part of me feels too tired for the responsibilities and long hours at this point in my life. That’s when the gipsy in me just wants to go and run. Yet another part of me wants to hold on and make this work. I almost feel like I am ~ finally ~ growing up? Ready to take on responsibility and see where that takes me. Ready to stay put and grow and follow my vision for this place. Ready to give it my best and take pride in creating a positive long-term impact on this lovely little hotel. Ready to take charge. Which does feel kind of empowering.

And it makes me wonder. Is this a real shift? Will it carry through into the core of me? Make me want to take charge in other areas of my life, too, such as my health and weight? Will I learn the skills and find the courage that I need to push me towards the kind of life that I still dream of in my heart?

Will I learn to go to bed in a timely manner??! I have to get up again in five hours and work for 16! Sigh. Alas, I have cried my tears of exhaustion and taken solace from my husband’s words of comfort. What needs to be done needs to be done. And I am rather pleased because I just stepped outside onto my balcony and asked two noisy skateboarders to please call it a night as I needed to sleep and they were polite and understanding and left. Good night, my friends.

chosing gratitude

David (aka PingTing) and ldg (aka little drunk girl or Maddie). White board impressions in my hallway. Taken on March 25, 2009.

I am so tired there is not much coherence left in my brain. Yet I am too wound up to sleep. And since I am off tomorrow (except for a brief visit to the hotel because it is one of our staff’s last day) I don’t much care as I can sleep in. Three days off. But rather than look forward to it my mind is racing with all that’s been going on at work and already fretting about next week when I have some tough days ahead of me. Oh, be quiet already. That’s what I want to say to my mind. This is how things snowball into huge issues inside our heads when, really, they are not so bad at all.

So now I have a choice. I can either dump all that’s bothering me onto this page and hope that it will relief my busy mind at least for tonight. Or I can zoom in on the good stuff instead. Be grateful. For …

… a fun and stimulating evening out with Maddie and David who stayed at my hotel for a night on their way up to Whistler. Seriously, I think everyone could do with a Maddie in their lives, and I am so grateful to have “mine.”

… finding a name for my cat: Benny. As suggested by David. Who was talking about Benny Goodman and then looked at my cat. And somehow it’s sticking. I wanted an easy and short name, one that, for me, would not have any associations to other cats or people, and thus give my cat a chance to evolve into it. He’s still also my sweetie and my little tiger but Benny is growing on me.

… Craigslist. Where I just sold my iMac. Sigh. I loved my iMac. (Which makes me think: maybe that’s also a good name for the cat?! Mac? Mack? Mackie? Mackie Messer? The lyrics to that song came from a well known German poet. Hmmm … ) Anyway, I decided to sell my iMac because I really didn’t have the space for it in my apartment, not if I wanted to start using my old Irish kitchen table as a table rather than a desk. I am also selling my MacBook because I would like to get the new one with a larger screen so that I can still process my photos comfortably. It’s all part of my strive to simplify my life (don’t need two computers) and to make room for more socialising (e.g. have a table for dinner parties.) So the iMac is gone, and the MacBook will hopefully find a new home, too.

… for my Nexus pass. Which allows me to fasttrack across the US/Canadian border. Like last week when there was a 2-hour wait time back into the US (not uncommon at this border, especially in the summer) ~ it took me 8 minutes with my pass! That felt good.

… for wonderful emails waiting in my inbox. Some are gathering just a tad of virtual dust and that’s what always happens with those emails that I love receiving and where want to take time to send a considered and usually long response. They are the kind of emails I love writing while sitting in a favorite cafe with a steaming mug of latte next to me. Soon, my friends, very soon!

… for things to look forward to: ~ Having a chill-out day tomorrow. ~ Seeing my friends in Vancouver on Saturday. ~ Being asked by them to fix their computer when I am there, it tickles me to be considered good at this! ~ My sofa is due to arrive next week, at last! ~ And then the best thing of all: my husband’s visit next week. It’s been a long stretch this time, we haven’t seen each other since out trip to San Diego in mid February. I’ve missed him so much. It’s been hard to come home after a stressful day and not have his arms ready to sink into. It’s so hard to not have him here to share this new life with. Alas, we have to be patient. And in the meantime my husband got a new computer with a camera so we are finally skyping when we have our daily chats! That’s been great! But it’s never a substitute for the real thing. One more week.

meet my little friend

So far so good. My little tiger has been settling into my apartment and seems to like it. He is super sweet and the most affectionate cat I’ve ever had. At night he sleeps next to me, all night. He purrs a lot and jumps up on my lap and loves to be petted and brushed. He also loves dozing on the floor between my armchair and the footstool, I guess that’s his little nook. I call him little darling and sweetie and my buddy and meine Wollekatze, but so far haven’t found a name that is HIS. The shelter had named him Burke, how on earth do you come up with a name like that for a cat?! Here is what has been suggested by friends and family: Harry, Charlie, Smokey, Oscar, Jonny, Freddy, Wally, Thomas, TJ, Buddy, Mutz, Wollie, Shadow, Stoney. What do you think?

keep dancing keep feeling alive

My little camera did not do too well in the low light conditions combined with fast movement. But I like this photo anyway. It shows my god-daughter's Irish Dancing group at a fundraiser in an Irish Pub in Vancouver. The ages of the group range from 9-21 and boy, can they dance! Taken on March 13, 2009.

Friends are what makes me dance. Old and new ones. Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely Wenda for a coffee in Steveston, Vancouver. We’d been following each other’s blogs since late 2007 and what a thrill to finally meet her. And to pick up a conversation as though we’d known each other for quite a while. And Wenda so got it when she realized how long I’ve known my friends in the Vancouver area and when I told her about our shared history. It’s true, I was still glowing from the previous evening when my friend, her husband and I were chilling out late into the night, drinking red wine, reminiscing and just being. Alive. We’ve all know each other since 1982 when C. and I worked as nannies in Vancouver. They acknowledge that I have put on, like, 50 lbs since those days, and they don’t care. We look at each other and we still see the young girls and the dashing older pilot. We are an integral part of each other’s history. They are the family that I never had of my own. And what I also love so much is how they include my husband in our conversations, almost like he was there with us. And of course those are the moments when I wish more than anything that he was.

When I wrote about my new word for 2009, ALIVE, this is very much what I had in mind. Spending time with my friends is a surefire recipe for making me feel alive. And I so loved all your answers to my question “What makes YOU fee alive?” There seemed to be two themes:

1) Living in the presence. Be it spending time in nature or with loved ones. Pursuing creative activities. Laughing. Being in the moment was a recurrent ingredient for aliveness, I could sense it just reading your comments. And we all know, it’s a theme that is talked about lots in the blogging world. For good reason.

2) Carol put it wonderfully: “Such a deep and intense feeling of being alive and open to possibilities came over me. A feeling that I had almost complete control over my own destiny.” I know exactly what she means. That sense that anything is possible. Really possible. For me this statement evokes such a deep sense of freedom, too. Freedom and aliveness, to me, walk hand in hand.

So the word ALIVE is very much on my mind these days. It’s why I am changing my furniture around so that I can accommodate guests more comfortably, it’s why I am converting my desk back to a table so that I can invite friends over to dinner. It’s why I am, slowly, decluttering and simplifying while at the same time honoring the stuff I have and want to keep. All this makes room for possibility. And possibility is what I crave more than anything these days.

There is something else that I am doing. I am getting a cat. I have thought about this for a long time, well, ever since I moved here. I don’t think that I will ever forgive myself for letting go of the two girls in Massachusetts, and my only consolation is that while they may not have gone to the ideal home, they nonetheless were taken in by good people who care about them. But I don’t ever want to go through something like this again, not for my or the cat’s sake. Which is why I thought long and hard about this. There were many other consideration, too, which I won’t go into here. The short of it is that I think I have found my little feline companion! A 1.5 year old Russian Blue/Domestic male, very mellow and affectionate, with lovely big paws and supersoft fur. I am picking him up tomorrow and today I got all the supplies, like the litterbox, quality food, toys, treats and so on. When I put the little water and food dishes on the floor in the kitchen I was suddenly overcome by such a sense of joy and happiness. And I hope he will like it in my apartment, I have a nice big balcony, too, so that he should be able to enjoy plenty of sunshine in the summers, too. It will be interesting to see his little personality unfold and I pray that we’ll be a great match!

taking the flow

Whenever I get to this point where my hair is about shoulder length I am unsure what to do. There is still that 17-year-old within me who wants to grow it long and flowing! Even though I never had that because long hair doesn't really suit the narrow shape of my face. But I just love the look of all these beautiful women with their long sexy playful hairstyles. The other question that always poses itself at this point is whether to cover the grey. I don't mind my grey too much but it is a fact that it does not make you look younger, while rich warm coloring can do just that. But given the amount of grey on my head coloring it is a huge commitment, especially financially as I would only have it done professionally. Anyway, for now I am sticking to a trim which made my husband very happy. Taken March 13, 2009.

Another busy week but now I am off for three days, yay! Going up to Vancouver later to spend time with friends and watch my god daughter perform in a pub. She is twelve and a fabulous Irish Dancer. And then tomorrow I am meeting a lovely fellow blogger from Vancouver for coffee and another friend in the afternoon. Socializing for the soul.

The proximity to Vancouver has been wonderful. Take last Monday. I had just come off my 24-hour shift and was in my apartment around 8 a.m. Because it was snowing outside I decided to go back to bed for a little more sleep. Big mistake. I woke up just before noon and felt awful. Sometimes there is a thing as too much sleep. My head felt heavy, my body numb. Taking a shower did not help and I was in one of those foggy moods where I didn’t know what to do with myself. As it was lunch time I decided to drive to a café and maybe some food would help. Once in the car I thought “hell what, why not go up to Vancouver, I could do with getting out of my little town for a while.” It made sense, I needed my big city fix!

I didn’t have my passport on me but my Nexus card (for fast track border crossing) so I just went. As I approached Vancouver I realized how much of a kick I still get out of having one of my favorite cities on my doorstep. And how wonderful it feels to know my way around and to be there in my own car. I wasn’t sure where exactly I wanted to go and chose to let the flow decide. It took me down to English Bay where at first I went to Starbucks with my laptop but all the seats were taken. Maybe a short stroll along the beach then. And it was the strangest thing, once I reached the seawall that embraces Stanley Park I just kept walking. This is not what I had had in mind, but my body was telling me to keep going. It wanted to move. It wanted to take deep breaths of fresh air. And so I walked. And walked. Along the seawall, through the park and out at Coal Harbour on the other side, then up Denman Street and back to where I had started. Only an hour in total but I tell you, I felt so much better. And that’s all I did in Vancouver. By this time it was already after 5 p.m. and I got back into my car and drove home, mind and body feeling nourished and refreshed.

Thinking about this day I realize that it was a lesson in feeling alive. A lesson in letting go and accepting the flow. A lesson in listening to your body and soul.

Have a great weekend! I might be back with a Sunday post.

insomnia

Chuckanut Drive. Taken on March 7, 2009.

Sleep will not come. I am super tired and have to get up again in less than 4 hours to work my second 24-hour shift this week. My head feels heavy and a little dizzy, my body is crying out to my relentless mind: “Let me rest!”

I’ve been a night owl all of my life, even as a child was I rarely able to fall asleep before midnight. And no matter how much I have slept, I have a hard time waking in the morning. Being a night owl is a curse in the 9-5 world which is why I have spent most of my professional life in jobs with irregular hours that were more suited to my inner clock. However, my current job is a mix of both and I have to admit, some days the hours are killing me. Every other week I work two 24-hour front-desk shifts that leave me physically and mentally super exhausted, and then in addition to those I am trying to squeeze a full-time job (i.e. all my supervisor duties) into three weekly 9-5 days.

None of this is helped by the insomnia that often visits me before my long shifts. And that’s when I really feel my age, and when my body pleads with me: “I am getting too old for this!” But it’s not just this, it’s also the intrusion into my private space that I resent whenever my job spills over into my personal time; even though sometimes this is only happening in my head, when I feel unable to wind down and when my fretting about work stuff keeps sleep at bay.

I am very grateful to have a good job at a time when the world is heading into a major recession. For now I am safe but this also means that I have to keep working the way I do, and even more as we head into the busy summer months. I am also very aware of some struggles that I am facing within myself, with old demons that want to take me down the familar path of not wanting too much responsibility while at the same time knowing that I am well capable of achieving so much more if I learned to overcome this reluctance. When I fullfilled a life long dream by moving to the Pacific Northwest I knew that this would not miraculously solve all my “issues.” I knew that those travel with me wherever I go. But there was a hope, too. That living in a place that I love might also give me the courage to peel back the layers and face what’s being revealed in an environment where I feel more safe and stronger than I have done in a long time. None of this is comfortable, nor easy, but I cannot ignore the opportunities that are before me.

Anyway. More than anything I need sleep now. This is my third night in a row on less than five hours. Sigh.

P.S. I really appreciated all your comments and emails following my Alive post, thank you so much. I want to pick up on some of your feedback and write more about this subject. I feel like I’ve discovered a well hidden path that calls to me and points me into a direction that has the potential of making me feel more alive than ever before. But not until I get some sleep!

dream, speak, move

Until you dream, there isn't a mold. Until you speak, there isn't a promise. And until you move, there isn't a path. ~ The Universe

alive

Spending time with friends makes me feel alive. Very. Breakfast with Maddie this morning. Taken on March 1, 2009.

Sometimes I miss Europe so much it aches. Sometimes I love where I am, right here in the Pacific Northwest, so much it aches. Sometimes, always, I love my husband so much, it aches.

What all of these have in common is that they make me feel alive. It’s something I’ve been contemplating a lot lately. Feeling alive. I actually think that this is a much more appropriate word for me for 2009 … Alive rather than Nourish. I am still struggling with Nourish, while Alive resonates with me much more deeply.

I believe that being an artist is all about being alive. Artists tend to feel deeply, and fully, and while many are conflicted, too, they just know that they have to create to feel alive. I believe that for them this is also a constant balancing act, because feeling truly alive is so close to its alter ego: destruction, devastation, heartache, death. It’s a tight rope walk. You can’t know one without at least having looked the other into the eye, without knowing the other is just on the other side of the line.

Tonight I watched Woody Allen’s movie “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.” I have no idea what the critics say about it and I don’t know too much about Allen except for the usual cliches. I have watched some of his other films, but not all. Generally I have liked them. But perhaps it is only now that I am kind of getting them. There was an undercurrant ache for aliveness in tonight’s movie, wrapped up in the tragic and extraordinary ordinariness that is anything but, and so terribly human at the same time. We do not recognize stereotypes unless we know, and live them, too. And that’s what I took with me from this film, once I looked past the obvious and, to some, immoral cliches of infidelity and artist/free spirit/romaticism vs. regular people/responsibility/reality: an ache for aliveness.

Since moving to the west coast I am developing a real “thing” for European films and experiences. And sometimes I have to stop myself and say “Hey, I AM European.” This is me. But what exactly does it mean? I describe it as follows in my About section:

“There is much about Europe that I miss: my friends and family, the cafes and social life, the proximity to so many interesting and diverse countries and cultures, the lifestyle that is about being rather than having. I often think of America as a teenager after a strong growth spurt, filled with energy, potential and hormonal confusion, while Europe is the old man who sits back with a cigar and glass of red wine, reminiscing with a twinkle in his eye on the life that has etched itself deeply into the ridges of his face. I seem to have always derived a lot of comfort from the wisdom and experiences of his tales.”

Whatever it is that I am trying to say it comes back to this: the ache for aliveness. And herewith I am officially changing my word for the year 2009. From Nourish to ALIVE.

Tell me, what make you feel alive? Truly alive?

dilemmas of a busy mind

My TV used to be in this corner and eventually the sofa will end up here. But for now I love my chair in this space, especially as I can now look out the window and see the ocean in the distance. Sadly this chair will have to go into storage once the sofa arrives, as much as I love it (it's a beat up old leather thing that I purchased in the bargain corner at Ikea in London more than ten years ago), the room will be too crammed with both the chair and the sofa. But I am definitely keeping it for when I am ready to move into a bigger apartment.

Another night where sleep won’t come. Even though I am very tired. But the thoughts in my head have decided to take a few more laps around the race track. Sigh. This weekend I started preparing for the arrival of my new sofa. I had to purchase a splitter for my cable and moved my TV to the other wall where it now shares an outlet with my internet. I gave my Ikea Klippan sofa away on Craiglist, it got quite damaged during the move and although I managed to hide the tears and watermarks I could not with a good conscience sell it for money. I was just happy that someone came to pick it up, it was very little hassle for me.

And now I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my furniture. I have barely lived here for six months and already am I changing the layout and thinking of ways of opening up my cozy yet small space. This time frame, by the way, is quite normal for me. I set up my apartment fairly quickly and I always knew that I would move things around once I have lived here for a while and got a better feel for the place.

Anyway, as much as I am attached to the art on my walls and around my apartment it just feels too much. It’s a familiar dilemma. On the surface my dwellings are always tidy and well organized. But an accumulation of too much unsorted stuff and papers is lurking in drawers and boxes. You don’t necessarily see it but I know about it. Ugh. Stuff. Some people are so good at collecting and showcasing their stuff in the most charming ways. But I always feel torn when it comes to organizing my living space. I love the idea of minimalism and simplicity. Yet if I look back at every place I have ever lived, I have never pulled it off. It starts with day-to-day utilities, like in my kitchen and bathroom. I mean, how many different kinds of shampoos, conditioners and shower gels does a person need? One of each, right? So why do I have four different shower gels, two shampoos, two conditioners, three kinds of body scrub and one tub of shaving cream ALL in my shower?? Are you beginning to see the picture? I am just not a minimalist kind of girl, yet too much stuff drives me nuts!

Having said all this, once I put my mind to it, I am pretty good at letting go of things that no longer serve a purpose, either in their function or my affection. And because I have moved so many times over the last decade or two, I have always been able to de-clutter regularly, mostly thanks to the British carboot sales. How I miss those!

Anyway, today I had a bit of an epiphany. Two actually. First, I realized that I do have a choice. Either have a sincere go at clean simplicity, or embrace my stuff but organize it better. You already know the answer to this, don’t you? Yes, the latter is more realistic and in line with my personality. I have a fairly complex inner life and that’s reflected in how I live, and in my desire to create harmony, both within and externally. And so my goal is a mix of functionality, style and a sense of open space, rather than mere simplicity. How do I achieve this?

Cue in epiphany number two. I am an all-or-nothing girl. Meaning, when I tidy up I will empty ALL drawers of my dresser onto my bed, sort everything, discard what’s no longer needed, and organize the rest back into the drawers. Rather than do one drawer at a time, perhaps spread out over a couple of days. Or when I clean the apartment, I usually do it in a monthly 6-hour marathon session rather than divide it up into more manageable daily and weekly chunks. Doing things this way makes me crazy because I am constantly creating these mountains in my head that I need to climb up and conquer. (This all-or-nothing approach is also one of the main reasons for my repeated failed dieting attempts.) I have of course always known this about me but never seriously attempted to do things differently. But again, today I realized that I have a choice here, too. I can change how I tackle my projects. I can do them bit by bit, one step at a time. Why? Because I have the time. Because there are no pressing deadlines. Just because I can.

Well, getting enough sleep is also high on my agenda and this will now be the second night where I will only catch a few hours. I have to get up again in 4 hours but for the best of reasons, I am meeting Maddie for breakfast in White Rock. I can always have a nap in the afternoon, in fact, I love Sunday afternoon naps, especially on rainy days!

Have a lovely Sunday!

The seat's back is quite stained after all these years but I actually love it with the blanket that I only put on there temporarily until I had a chance to get it cleaned.

f

Playing along with Susannah. When she first sent me the letter “F” I admit I felt a little lost. Not a letter that feels intuitive to me, or that immediately brings lots of lovely words to my mind. So after some consideration here are 10 favorite words that begin with the letter “F”:

Falling. Frozen. Fluff. Yep. It is snowing again in the Pacific Northwest. Taken on February 25, 2009.

Friendship. That’s an easy one. My friendships are my world. Without them I would wilt away like a flower without water. There are the heart friends who need no explanation nor regular contact, we always pick up just where we left off, no matter how many months or years have gone by. I am protective of my friendships, and quite selective. I have distanced myself from friendships that pushed me too close to the edge of darkness, or where I no longer felt connected. I need to feel safe in my friendships and I offer the same in return.

Family. I miss being closer to them. I have both my parents, a brother and a sister, two nephews and many aunts and uncles and cousins. Some are closer than others. I miss the family gathering we used to have when my grandparents were still alive; the Christmases where 10-15 of us stood outside my grandparent’s living room, lined up by age, and brimming over with anticipation of the Christmas tree and the presents and the delicious home cooked dinner and the time spent deep into the night laughing and chatting and having a little drama here and there and simply being together. I always thought that one day I would have a big family of my own but it was never something that I actively pursued. I was busy traveling and living my life and by the time I met my husband it was too late. I am sad that we were unable to have children together and that I will never look into the face of our child and see myself and the man I love in it. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be and I am just grateful for my wonderful husband, and for my sometimes crazy family because they are pretty special.

Freedom. Ah yes. That word rolls easily off my tongue. I am an Aquarius and freedom means everything to me. I hate feeling tied down and trapped and unable to move. I need freedom like the air I breathe.

Fotograf. That’s the German word for photographer. My father and uncle were both “Fotografen.” I never in a million years expected to follow their path and I haven’t, not really. Nonetheless, it’s a word that still fills me with awe and admiration and I feel closer to it than I ever thought I would.

Fussili. Makes my mouth water. Fussili al dente. Mmmm …

February. The month I was born. The month of carnival in Germany which I used to love as a child. The month in between winter and spring. The shortest month of the year. A special month. Just because.

Fun!

Faith. As much as it seems to elude me as far as religion and spirituality are concerned, I do love this word. The word Faith feels soft to me, and filled with promise and light. And I realize that I actually carry a lot of faith in me: faith in the good of people, in positive outcomes, in my marriage, in my friendships, in love. I like it as a girl’s name, too.

Fall. My favorite season. I actually still call it autumn most of the times, but fall occasionally slips across my lips. And I like to drawl it out and give it the soft British lilt that confuses so many people who hear me speak. Fall. Bond fires. Cozy sweaters. Warm mugs of steaming coffee. Falling leaves.

Forever. For all my gipsy nature and restless tendencies I am a fiercly loyal friend and lover and wife. Once I am your friend I will be so forever. With very few exceptions. And when it comes to my husband, we go even further. We sign each note, and email and text message with 2IXE. To Infinity times Eternity. It’s inscribed in our wedding rings. Forever.

I am glad I came up with some words! And now I would love to read yours. Leave a comment if you want me to email you a letter, or just pick one and leave a link.

Be FRIVOLOUS!

cooking comforts

I am not much of a cook when I live on my own. Often, when I come home after a long day at work, I feel too tired and lazy. I also suspect that a part of me doesn’t like messing up my kitchen and cleaning it up afterwards. Then add to that a slight boredom with my repertoire of salads, pasta dishes and stir fries. Because quick it has to be, too! I have often wondered at this lack of enthusiasm for cooking, given my creative side and my love of eating good food.

And so, in view of my word this year, nurture, I am beginning to pay more attention to recipes as and when I come across them on the blogs I read. So today I tried this, a recipe beautifully photographed by Alicia Block, and to be found here. It was very yummy! My only advice: hold the salt until the very end. I found that the bacon and chicken stock made it salty enough and that there was no need for the additional 1.5 tsp. It’s an easy soup to make, and a feast for the tastebuds!

Leek, potatoes and don't forget the white wine!

Fill your kitchen with beautiful aromas of sauteed bacon and leeks.

Voila ~ enjoy!

sunday musings

Where I live. And god, too? Taken on January 24, 2009.

Religion and spirituality have always been somewhat of an enigma to me. Something that I have, so far, not been able to grasp. And this is not for the lack of wanting it. Quite the contrary, I have spent most of my life WISHING for it, but it’s been eluding me like a misty morning I can see in the distance but by the time I get closer to it, it has evaporated. I have just never felt it inside.

Is it because my upbringing at home was decidedly void of religious traditions and practices? Then again, I went to a Catholic convent school for eight years, where I participated in Sunday school (which actually happened every Friday) despite the fact that I am a Protestant. They gave me the choice, I could either attend Catholic or Protestant class (in Germany religion is an integral part of the curriculum) and I chose Catholic because the Protestant classes started too early (7 a.m.) and I also quite liked the Catholic rituals. Religion was even one of my better subjects during which I produced some of my best essays. But I never felt it.

I have to admit that once I left school I did not try very hard, either. Faith and spirituality just were not on my radar. When I moved to Canada in the mid 80s one of my fellow nanny friends tried to convert me, and my other friends, to her new born Christian beliefs. We even went to see Billy Graham and all I remember is how alienated I felt at the way people seemed to get drawn into what felt like a big freak show to me. As for my friend, well, she soon gave up on me to the point where she didn’t even speak to me anymore as she didn’t appreciate my constant cynicism, and I don’t blame her. For cynical I was, and still am.

To a degree I can rationalize my lack of faith, but that doesn’t mean that I can accept it. It is not how I WANT to feel. As a result I got drawn into all the new age stuff when I was in my thirties, hoping that this might lead me down a more open and inspiring path of spirituality and connection. And there were moments when I did feel something. A sense of  the universe, a kind of bonding with something bigger than myself. Yet I never felt like I had finally grasped it, whatever IT is.

Where am I going with all this? I am not really sure. Some of these thoughts were triggered by a supervisor workshop I attended a few weeks ago, which was presented by a bubbly woman in her fifties who was also a motivational speaker and very much into inspirational quotes and anecdotes from books like “The Seven Habits of Successful People.” Her whole presentation was very Anthony Robbins-ish. I had read some of those books and was familiar with many of the quotes. Yet there was something about her delivery that I believe went totally over the heads of the audience, mostly housekeepers and supervisors of janitorial teams and minimum wage employees. I kept looking at my lead housekeeper, who was also attending, a young girl in her early 20s who lives at home and who is the sole provider for her family. How did she feel about the deep-breathing exercises and the woman who told her to “lead from a place of good karma and spiritual awakening?” Ok, those were not her exact words, but couple their gist with the exaggerated enthusiasm of a cheerleader, and you get the idea. Ah yes, the cynic. That will be me. Mind you, having said all this, there were some valuable pointers, too, and really, that’s all you need from a workshop, two or three items that stick and that help you do a better job. And both my housekeeper and I have identified those pointers and put them into action, so I am happy because it means that the workshop was a worthwhile investment.

So what do the workshop and my housekeeper have to do with my pursuit of faith and spirituality? Well, the workshop reminded me of all that new age stuff that we’ve been bombarded with over the last decade or two. And our attraction towards Eastern philosophies. The talk of Yin and Yang, and the universe, and karma, and higher consciousness and sacred connections, etc etc. All the talk of finding ourselves and self development and self help, and self bla bla bla. And then I look at the girls in our housekeeping department and I can tell you, all this stuff is so not on their radar. I can tell you that they are very lovely, smart and extremely hard working girls (and the fact that I call them girls is a reflection of my fondness of them, and of my own age, they could be my daughters!) and their concerns lie with providing for their young children who they gave birth to when they were children themselves, and with boyfriends and parents who don’t have jobs, and with cars that keep breaking down, and rents that are in arrears, and desires for education and better lives for themselves and their families. When I look at them I see “real” people, the kind of people who are the fabric that keeps the core of our society together. I don’t know if they believe in a god and whether they are religious. If they are then I doubt that it comes from having read stacks of spiritual and/or self help books.

In my conclusion of this post I only speak for myself when I say that a part of me is very tired of all this self help talk and the theoretical regurgitation of our/my quest to discover and celebrate the self. I guess talk is the operative word here, and one that I am guilty of for sure. Talking and over-thinking are two specialties that I have refined to exasperating perfection. Whenever I reach this point where my mind goes into super-drive and begins to overheat I look to my husband. He possesses a quiet spirituality that needs no gurus, nor books. He has little patience for new age theories, yet he can grasp complex supernatural concepts and connects the dots through a faith that needs no deeper explanation. He has an innate goodness that I believe can only come from something much stronger and more powerful than the self. And maybe that is all I need to strive for: goodness. Not worry about my lack of faith but simply try to be a good person and act from a place of integrity and honesty. Without analyzing it, or shouting out about it into the world. Which reminds me of one of my favorite sayings by my husband: “Character is what you have when no one is looking.”

Perhaps the same is true for faith and spirituality.

a week ago

Is it really only a week ago that I was here, soaking up the sunshine and love?
Thank god for photographs to helps us remember, fondly and forever.

San Diego art walk. All photos taken on February 14, 2009.

San Diego art walk.

Coronado Beach.

View from our bench in front of the Hotel Del Coronado. This was supposed to be a rainy day and we felt so blessed for its unexpected sunshine and warmth.

Reach high into the sky. Always.

Coronado Beach.

Hotel Del Coronado.

Hotel del Coronado.

You and me. Forever.

California dreaming.

San Diego.

L.A. street.

Fritto Misto. Charming and very reasonable little Italian restaurant in Santa Monica. Great food.

sunshine is good for the soul

Taken by my husband on the beach in Coronado. February 14, 2009.

But then, you knew that already, didn’t you?

I got back late last night and already work has me back in its grind. Why is it that all those fond memories of a wonderful trip move into the far distance only hours after landing back in our usual routine?

My favorite moments from this weekend in San Diego?

~ Walking barefoot along the beach in Coronado on a gorgeous day that was supposed to be rainy and gray.

~ Canceling our dinner reservation at the Hotel Del Coronado because we were just too tired, and instead eating our Valentine’s dinner off an ironing board in our hotel room while watching Slumdog Millionnaire. As silly as this may sound (apparently my husband does this a lot when he travels on business!) I really loved it because it felt wonderfully liberating to just do what we wanted - chill out, enjoy being together - rather than feeling that we had to go out because it was a fancy restaurant and it was Valentine’s.

~ Discovering a lovely little Italian restaurant in Santa Monica, very basic, fantastic food, great prices.

~ Visiting the showroom of a sofa company I have long loved and getting my first ever custom made couch for my birthday! Tom negotiated a great price and encouraged me to fulfill a long-term dream: a leopard or jaguar patterned sofa! Wild? Absolutely. Silly at my age? Perhaps. But I don’t care, I am so excited about this. I have always had a passion for creating quirky and cozy living spaces, and this sofa fits right in. We ordered the sleeper version so that I can offer a proper bed for my guests, and it is a lot more comfortable than my Ikea Klippan loveseat that was never meant to be used as a main sofa. I’ll be sure to post some photos once the jaguar is here.

Well, it is late and way past my bed time, I know I will pay for this tomorrow at work. But I wanted to say Hi and also thank you all for your birthday wishes via email and Facebook and Stayfriends etc ~ it was lovely to receive them, thank you!!

the big 48

Early morning in the Pacific Northwest. I love that I can go for a bicycle ride in the middle of February! Taken on February 8, 2009.

No, not my age. Although my birthday next week will get me closer to this number! 48 is the number of hours I just spent at work. Phew. I was covering for a sick staff member who was supposed to take over from me after my 24-hour shift on Friday, so I never left the hotel for two days! It was a busy couple of days with an almost full house so time flew by quickly. One of the things I love about my job is meeting and bonding with our guests when I am there for the duration of their stay. With very few exceptions all our guests are just lovely people, and I have many interesting and fun conversations with them. And even though the last 48 hours were physically exhausting (remember, I am not far from that number in age!) I just took them in my stride and it really wasn’t bad at all. Today I was supposed to do another 24-hour shift but one of my staff came in for me so now I am off for three days, yay!

As challenging as my new job can be, both physically and mentally, I so prefer it to the 9-5 Monday to Friday routine. Sure, I do miss the leisure time I had when I worked part-time at the college in Massachusetts, but since I am supporting myself here on the west coast part-time work was no longer an option and if I have to work full-time then this is the best way to do it, for me anyway. My schedule is a lot more flexible than it would have been in a regular office, I can work really hard one week and then take a little time off the next, so long as my job gets done. This is how I can fly down to California for four days next week. There is another side effect of my schedule that I am beginning to really appreciate: I love coming home to my apartment after my 24-hour shifts! Seriously, I get such a sense of pleasure out of my little place and as soon as I close my front door behind me after having been away for a day I just feel all the tension ease off me and am immediately enveloped in coziness and comfort.

So this morning I walked in at 7.30 am and opened the blinds and let in the light. I put on my favorite Sunday music and had a lovely long shower. Oh, how I love my shower, it is so spacious and the water comes out nice and strong. I then lay down for a bit, snuggled into my soft bathrobe and putting my feet up and chatting with my husband on the phone. I felt tired but good. After our conversation I craved fresh air and a coffee so I got dressed and cycled to my favorite cafe by the sea. And enjoyed one of their delicious lattes and a pesto & goats cheese roll without guilt.

You see, I took the pressure off myself. About the dieting and the weight. Last week was just so miserable in this respect. I felt like I had fallen into an old trap that I always knew was there but that I had managed to circumvent for a long time. It was so weird in a way, but my husband and I had been talking about losing our excess weight since the new year and for a while we were all gung ho about it. We are flying to Germany this Christmas and had visions of us getting there all slimmed down and looking great. You know what it’s like, these special occasions for which we want to impress everyone with our shiny new selves. Needless to say, the pressure of it all pushed me over the edge. The thought of having to go on a diet, yet again, to achieve these goals. Of course there are health reasons, too, why we should get lighter, but as I said in my previous post, I have a hard time connecting all these should’s with real action.

Your comments and emails really helped, thank you so much! I received some great book tips and encouragement to revisit an approach that I had looked at before: Intuitive Eating. I realized that until now I had regarded Intuitive Eating in the same way as dieting, it was just another method that you either turned on or off. It might still be a long road ahead, and I may never totally conquer this issue, but for now I am re-focusing on trying to listen to my body, moving it with exercises I enjoy, eating foods that nourish and chilling our over a glass, or two!, of red wine with good friends.

Thank you all and wishing you a lovely Sunday!

Promise. Taken on February 8, 2009.

As I was taking my photos this young guy asked if I wanted one of me? Did he want to snatch my camera? I decided to trust him, and also overcome my reluctance to have me photo taken. So here's his snap. A little blurry and yes, I am wearing glasses. Taken on Februay 8, 2009.

disconnect

From here ...

... to there.

This morning I spent a good two hours on the Weight Watchers website. Entering foods and recipes and getting very frustrated at non-responsive pages forcing me to reload and re-enter everything. By the end of the two hours I had not got very far and my stomach was all knotty and I felt totally discouraged. Then I canceled my trial membership. I could not do this.

Dieting. Once again. Over and over again. Oh boy. This is such a familiar scenario. And it is leaving me feeling more anxious and depressed than ever before.

I started my first diet at the age of 14 when I really didn’t need to. I had a nice figure and my weight was perfectly normal. Alas, I was a little taller and bigger boned than my petite girlfriends and thus a little heavier, too, and my goal was to weigh as little as they did. Additionally I have always been a comfort eater, soothing any kind of emotion with creamy desserts and secret chocolate bars. And so, over the next three decades the pounds kept piling on, losing some and regaining more, adding alcohol and deep periods of darkness, as well as a dislike of exercise, into the mix. Today, I am seriously overweight. You know the story. If you have not experienced it yourself you have read about it, or seen it on Oprah.

This was going to be my year of Nourish, where I would forgive myself for all the havoc I have inflicted on my poor body and turn a corner as far as my nutrition and lifestyle in general are concerned. I know that in the end it doesn’t matter what kind of diet or non-diet program I agonize over, as long as I am able to stick with it and achieve the desired goal of becoming healthier and lighter.

BUT. What I know so well in my head ~ the how’s and why’s and do’s ~ is not reaching into that part of me that is responsible for motivation, discipline and the just doing it. There is a complete disconnect between my rational adult and emotional child when it comes to the effort that is required to deal with my weight and all its ensuing deeper issues. More so than ever before. And I am so tired of trying to get the two together. But I know that I have to find a way. And Weight Watchers is not it.

Another aspect of this that is increasingly upsetting me is its impact on my social life. Or better, my desire to meet new people, especially those who are a lot slimmer and fitter than me. I know that they most likely don’t care and any thoughts about my weight would, if anything, be fleeting. I also know that I would have missed out on some very special friendships had I allowed this to hold me back in the past. My weight should not define who I am, but the truth is that it does have a substantial influence on how I feel about myself. And right now, that’s just not very good. Alas, I have responded to a possible get-together with a sassy blogger in California whose life seems so different from mine, yet I know that we potentially have a lot in common, and I have always really liked her and we would probably have a great time if we met. The logistics may not make it happen but I am glad to have at least stepped towards a door that was opened for me, despite my misgivings about my appearance.

And as for everything else, I just keep trying. I know my triggers well and that’s what I will focus and keep working on. Just like in the photos above, if I keep peddling hard enough I know that I can get from here to there.

winter blues remedy #2: friends

Lovely Maddie. Taken on January 24, 2009.

Every week I work three regular 9-5 days, and then a 24-hour shift every other Friday and Sunday. This is part of the new schedule that I introduced when I started my new job last December. My staff have two 24-hour shifts every week and because of the way the rotation works they are off for six days in a row every two weeks. They love it. And that was one of the reasons for introducing the new schedule because the old one was very detrimental to everyone’s work/life balance and I wanted to improve this. Now, when I talk about 24 hour shifts that usually means that we get to sleep in a proper bed for eight of those hours, most nights there are no disruptions. Nonetheless, they are very long days and when it’s busy, very tiring. I think I am feeling it more because when it’s my turn it means that in one week I work three normal days and two 24-hours. Let’s face it, I am not twenty, or even thirty, anymore. And while I love the flexibilty that comes with my position and this new schedule, I am struggling with fatigue and exhaustion every other week. Of course this is not helped by other factors, such as the winter blues and being overweight. Sigh.

These thoughts bring up all sorts of familiar patterns. Feeling trapped. Resentful. Wanting to escape. That’s also the gipsy in me, the urge to wander and be carefree and without responsibilities. At the same time I love my new home and job. There is so much potential in both and I remind myself that I do have the power to shape each into whatever I want it to be. If the new schedule doesn’t work for me than I can affect changes that might be more suitable, so long as they also are aligned with the needs of the business. There is a freedom that comes with this kind of power that I haven’t quite grasped yet. But where before I would have put my energy into looking for a way out I realize that this is not actually what I want. I want to make this work. There are so many aspects where this job and I are a great fit for each other, I want to grow with it and enjoy all that I love about being back in the hospitality industry.

And so, instead of feeding my urge to flee, I want to look at those areas where old patterns are emerging and see what I can do instead. One big factor for me is the overflow of my job into my private life. I am very protective of my space and my time, always have been. Right now this is a bit of a balance act, and one that needs more finetuning and practice. But in the meantime there are more immediate remedies, such as more self care, sleep, better nutrition and exercise. Movement in all senses seems to be key. And so today, in between my two 24-hour shifts, I cleaned my apartment and went for a walk with Maddie. Which brings me to the title of this post: friendships. They are the best remedy of all.

After our walk we relaxed over a couple of glasses of red wine and great jazz. I only noticed after downloading this photo that I had captured the other two musicians in the mirrors. They were very good! Taken on January 24, 2009.

winter blues remedy: the love of a man

24 hours into falling in love with my husband. Taken on October 16, 2003.

The cat is out of the bag. My husband is whisking me off to sunny California in just over three weeks, for some fun and adventure, and LOTS of therapeutic warm sunshine we hope! He had planned and booked it as a surprise but certain circumstances led him to spill the beans today and I am glad he did. Because this was just the remedy to get me out of my winter blues funk!

I haven’t been back to California since our first date in San Francisco more than five years ago. Tom and I had met online two months earlier, he lived in New England at the time and I was still in London. Since we kept missing each other during his trips to the UK we decided that I would fly over to San Francisco where Tom was attending a conference. Naturally I was quite nervous but as soon as he gave me one of his bear hugs at the airport and took my hand into his, I knew that the sparks that we already felt through our emails and phone conversations were glowing in “real life”, too. We spent a magical three days together and the rest, as they say, is history.

This time we are meeting in LA and driving down to San Diego, where I have not been before. There will be luxurious hotels and spa treatments, and a visit to my favorite sofa company, I might even come back with a sofa! And we will be continuing our tradition of spending the Big Three (Valentines on 2/14, my birthday and our anniversary on 2/15) somewhere a little exotic and new, I think San Diego will line up nicely with Paris, Venice and Bath.

But most of all we will get to do what we do best: be together.

winter blues

One of the best lattes I've had in a while. Somewhere on Main St. in Vancouver.

I know I’ve been silent on here. This is a familiar scenario: when the clutter and chatter in my head takes over, I go quiet and withdraw.

Part of it, I suspect, is a case of the winter blues. That’s what days spent in an office without windows and evenings in a cozy albeit dark apartment do to me. And I feel too sapped of energy and motivation to do much about it.

The good thing is that one surefire remedy is close at hand here in the Pacific Northwest: friends. And so I spent the weekend in Vancouver, soaking up the colors and scents of Granville Market on a very foggy day, enjoying a girlie night at L.’s place, and lunch at a trendy eastside eatery with my friend S. the following day. Much needed, and appreciated, lattes and laughter for the soul.

Today I still had a day off but following a restless night the funky mood returned. This is not helped by a sore throat because the last thing I need now is a cold or the flu, as the next 10 days are going to be very busy. So tomorrow, after work, I will stock up on some vitamin C, echinacea and Epsom salts for a hot detox bath (thank you for the recipe, Maddie!) And rather than resist the blues I will try and just let them be, and focus on some self-care instead.

What do you do when you feel the blues coming on?

songs and words on a rainy day

The snow is gone, the rain has come. It dawns on me: I kinda like the rain.

Selena Cross ~ Silence

“Screw It worked for me–in a BIG WAY.  When I used it, it burned up my drama, my procrastination, my ideas of myself, my brain farts, my limitations, my mental speed bumps.  This isn’t to say that I didn’t still feel pain or limited or stuck or worried, but this mantra helped clear the road a little.  I don’t think I need to tell you all out there, that our little roads can be thick with debris.  Clearing it even a little bit is cause for some celebration. It’s the one resolution or New Year idea that has ever stuck with me for the whole year.  I don’t think I am quite ready to let it go–I want to continue it on!  But shouldn’t it be NEW?  Don’t I want to try on something different?  SCREW IT! ” Summer Pierre

Jem ~ It’s Amazing

“This year it was a soft sigh of determination. It was a soft breath of knowing that I can and I will complete what I have started. I feel both softer and stronger now. Clearer. I know what I want and I know that I just need to work hard to get there. Every decision just has to be weighed: will this choice bring me closer to or further away from what I want and who I am? And then I have to live with the consequences of my choice.” Megg

Neverending White Lights ~ Distance

“Frankly, I’ve come to think that the culture oversells us on the idea of the balanced, well-rounded life. I think it’s a very pale rainbow we keep chasing, and maybe even shorthand for mediocrity. The most vibrant people I know are not models of balance. Some of them are decidedly off-kilter. But they shine with passion, vision and drive.” Kyran Pittman

Jon Foreman ~ The Cure For Pain

“There is nothing better than the hope-filled planning period when you’re envisioning the results, but the official start date has yet to arrive. The last indulgent meal before the diet tastes better than any other because I’m eating whatever I want while, in my head, I’m already skinny. Sigh.” Brene Brown

Missy Higgins ~ They Weren’t There

“Yes is powerful when we fill our lungs with air and howl it up to the moon, but it is also magnificent in its force when we say it quietly to someone who has wronged us, when we wonder if we can really trust our friends in a vulnerable moment, when we look in the mirror and ask ourselves if our wildest dreams are worth our time and energy.  Yes sometimes comes in less than appealing forms, but sometimes all it takes is our willingness to embrace those yeses to transform them into something beautiful, comforting and sacred.” Swirly Girl

Adele ~ Melt My Heart To Stone

the risk of love

My grandfather found this four leaf clover in 1981 and my grandmother put it into this little frame with a few words. When they passed away this almost got discarded but luckily I spotted it and now it is a much treasured reminder of my grandparents and their love.

Today has been contemplative and rainy. In fact, it was pouring. A good day for cozying up inside. Yet I felt restless, could not quite give into just relaxing and resting my mind.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed at work, and because I have had a few days off, I know that things are piling up on my desk and I need to make a concerted effort to get back in the groove. So much to learn still, so much to organize, to the point where I am answering emails from home on my days off and have anxiety dreams about work, you know, like, where I have forgotten something vitally important, or missed a big deadline, or overslept by hours. Sigh.

I also miss my husband a lot. The apartment feels empty now that he has gone back to New England. Our good-byes after his visits are like mini separations, they always break a little something inside.

When my relationship with the Englishman fell apart after seven years in 1996 I was devastated. He was my first love and although we had our share of challenges I trusted him to never leave me. But even though I was the one to move out when things got unbearable he was the one who did not want to fix what we had broken over the years. I had trusted him to always want to fix things. But of course you reach a point where there are too many shattered pieces that cannot be put back together, no matter how hard you try. And so we separated. And he got married to another German soon after. My heart was broken.

Up until I met the Englishman I had countless flings and attempts at relationships, but I often chose badly and dangerously, I always said I wanted to find true love but I never allowed it to find me. Now I know that I was scared. Deeply afraid of rejection and abandonment. And rather than risk that, I fell for unsuitable men who could never leave me because they never stayed long enough. There was another aspect, too. I did not love myself enough to stand up for my own needs and desires, and thus often ended up with difficult men who needed saving and it was through the act of being their savior that I felt worthy and good about myself.

The Englishman was different. And with him I learned to trust and love. I am often tempted to disregard the heartbreak I felt after our separation as something ordinary and insignificant; after all, we’ve all been there one way or another, haven’t we? But the truth is, it did devastate me and it took me many years to move on. I went through dark phases of promiscuity and was so desperate for love, yet rejected any real possibility of it. However, following the break-up of a one year relationship with the most normal guy I ever dated, something shifted. And thus I started the long journey back to myself. And when I finally arrived I was happy. Just being myself, with myself.

That’s when I met my husband. At a time when the idea of becoming the eccentric spinster in her quirky English cottage with the seven cats and lots of friends was rather appealing to me. Seriously. I never resisted my husband. I fell in love instead. Deeply. The Englishman was my first love, but my husband is the love of my life. And by opening up my heart and my soul to this amazing man, I have also allowed risk back into my life. There is not a day that I do not think about that. There is not a day when I do not feel protective of my heart and sometimes I act on this, too, by raising shields and barriers.

This time it is not so much the fear of him leaving me, but rather the fear of losing him through an accident or illness. I am sure this is partly a natural anxiety as we grow older, yet it is not one I feel I have learned to handle yet. But I am reminded of it every time we say good-bye, every time he gets on a plane, or his long commute to work. As I am thinking about this I remember something that Christine wrote a little while ago. She is one of my early blogging inspirations and has remained so ever since. And so today, as I am feeling tender and unsure, I go back to her words and they bring me a lot of comfort:

“Nothing is permanent, so we only torture ourselves in holding on to anything, and I mean anything - our partners, our jobs, our material possessions, our very bodies.  Which brings us to a choice:  either wallow, worry and fret over the inevitability that all we treasure and love will someday change, or embrace the freedom that exists when we let go of any and all attachments.  But in the midst of all this letting go, we are also best served by allowing ourselves to love as deeply as we can, commit ourselves as passionately as possible and move into any new arena that involves any level of risk, emotional or otherwise, with as few expectations as possible.

This is so hard.

I look at my husband every single day with the awareness that we will not be together forever, that we may only be together for one more day.  I have moments when I fear this day will come sooner rather than later, of course, but I do not live in fear of it.  I know it will happen, one way or another, and there is no getting around that.  In that knowledge, in the deepest reaches of that truth, I try my best to take that as an opportunity to let myself love him as much as I can.”

Risk is not just about me. My husband deserves to be loved by me as much as I can. And once I look at it from this perspective, the one outside of me, I feel the anxiety ease off me, ever so slightly. I know those moments, when we stop feeling trapped in our own history and fears, when we lift them away and allow love to embrace us and make us feel safe. On days like today this is what I must remember. In fact, I must remember this every day. To love as much as I can.

nourish

My idea of nourishment can be found in France! Taken on July 8, 2005.

As I pulled out of the airport tears fell softly; the feeling of loss was deep and unforgiving. So far saying good-bye from my husband has not become easier, but rather harder with every visit. And this is not just because we always have such a lovely time together when he is here, I think a lot of it is because living so far apart has brought us closer again. Not so much because absence makes the heart grow fonder, although that no doubt plays a part, too, but mostly because we both feel closer to ourselves here in the Pacific Northwest: I am no longer the wilting flower of New England and my husband is more relaxed and happy than I have ever seen him over there. And we are both beginning to glimpse the outline of the kind of life we will have here together, eventually. But we are not quite there yet; things need to be done and put into place first, things that will require time and patience, and they are entirely worth it.

When I got back from the airport at 7 a.m. this morning I had a little nap and then spent the rest of the day clearing away my Christmas decoration, tidying up, doing laundry and cleaning my apartment. 2009 has begun. And I’ve been thinking about my word for this new year. In 2007 it was GLOW and to be honest, that was a bit of a half hearted attempt that lost its momentum very quickly. in 2008 I chose DO and this time I let it guide and motivate me through a very eventful year that was indeed driven by doing. DO got me out of my depression and state of procrastination and, frankly, it changed my life.

At first I thought my choice for 2009 would be along the lines of Focus, or Plan, or Grow. All worthy words for someone like me, at this point in my life. Yet they did not sit quite right. My husband suggested Breathe, which I really liked and which seems appropriate after a year of action and doing. But as I thought about what I would like to focus on this year ~ growth in my job and re-balancing my body and soul ~ the word NOURISH kept appearing as a soft and gentle reminder that I have just planted my roots into brand new soil and for them to take hold and grow stronger they need to be nourished.

Nourished with love, selfcare, light, magic, patience, color, laughter and happiness. With good food, fresh air, movement, balance, friendships, creativity and spirituality. The soil feels fresh, the roots still tender, and I sense a longing for nourishment like I haven’t in a long time.

NOURISH.

What is your word?

(If you are not sure click here for some inspiration.)

december views 23

Memories. Taken in December 2007.

It is the night before Christmas Eve. In Germany December 24th is the day when Christmas happens and I have many fond memories of all the special traditions in our family. This year, like many before, I am working. That’s what happens when you are employed in the travel or hospitality industry, and truth to be told, I have never minded. It makes those Christmasses that I do spend with friends and family the more special.

There is much to reflect upon and be grateful for as 2008 draws to a close. And more to look forward to as I will be driving up to Vancouver after my early shift on the 25th to spend the rest of Christmas Day with my friend L. and her family, followed by lunch with my friend C. the next day. And then, in the evening, my husband arrives (weather and airline permitting ~ keeping my fingers crossed), and I have three days off! Then I work a few days and am off for another three over New Year’s which we will be celebrating with friends in Vancouver. These long stretches between visits are so hard but they make us treasure our time together even more. And it will so lovely to be socialising with old and new friends, together.

Well, I am at the hotel doing an overnight shift, I just checked in a late arrival and now I will get myself ready for bed. We have an apartment behind reception for this purpose and on most nights there are no interruptions and we can sleep through. So these night shifts are really not so bad at all. And if my new schedule takes shape in the way I envisage then I will only have one of these a week, plus three regular supervisor days, and three days off.

For now I wish you all a lovely and wonderful Christmas, may your innermost wishes come true, and may you feel loved and cherished!

Happy Holidays!

december views 22

I wish I had had my camera with me when I saw the amazing sky and light this afternoon. Taken with my iPhone from the hotel.

december views 21

I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show. ~ Andrew Wyeth

december views 20

Snow softly falling. View from my living room.

Twinkle twinkle light.

I don't need many reasons to light my candles, but Christmas is one of the best.

You may have gathered by now, I have a bit of a thing for Santa!

My living room.

Office corner and glimpse into kitchen.

december views 19

Want to come for a walk with me?

It was one of those freezing cold and beautiful winter days.

Someone's office door along the way.

I decided to go down to the boardwalk. These train tracks go all the way to Vancouver.

My little town.

My LL Beans keeping my feet faithfully dry and warm.

A welcome sight for my frozen nose and hands!

Come fly with me.

On the way back I catch the golden hour.

I love this time of day.

Golden hour in the Pacific Northwest.

I almost fell into a ditch trying to take this photo!

The Alaska Ferry comes and goes every Friday.

Red shoes on the boardwalk.

Red shoes on a wire.

These tree lights are all over my town.

My street.

december views 18

Today I baked some Christmas cookies. These are my favorite German ones; they will not win any awards for being good looking, but trust me, they melt in your mouth with delicious sweetness. Kinda like shortbread but better!

december views 17

Tonight, I am dreaming of … Hawaii. Tom and I talked about maybe going there for a few days in February, for our anniversary and my birthday. I wouldn’t be able to take more than three or four days but that would still be so worth it! I spent some time on Oahu in 1986 and remember gorgeous beaches, palm trees and having fun exploring the island by scooter. We would probably go to Oahu again as Tom wants to see Pearl Harbour; does anyone know of any reasonably priced accommodation out there? If possible I would like to avoid the highrise chain hotels of Honolulu. Ah well, I am not sure that we can actually pull it off but it is always nice to dream … And in the meantime I am enjoying the Winter Wonderland of the Pacific Northwest! Seriously, this is what I am used to from New England but not what I expected here. Love it. We might actually have a white Christmas All photos taken on my balcony today.

december views 16

Is it really only one more week until Christmas?? Oh my. This year the season is truly flying by and I am enjoying bits and pieces as I catch them here and there. Today I’ve been making progress on a new schedule I am working on, getting legal advice on its feasability and it looks as though we might me able to do it. This has the potential of changing the way we work considerably, giving employees lots more time off while still covering all the needs of the business. I am hoping to at least be able to try it and see how it goes, maybe as soon as January.

Today I also managed to mail all my little packages to England and Germany although it was probably too late for them to arrive by December 24th. But the wonderful thing about time passing by so quickly is that it is also only just over a week until my husband arrives, yay!

Hope you are enjoying these last days of the season with lots of sweet loving thoughts and if you are still bargain hunting, here are some lovelies to consider:

1) A 20% discount code for Susannah’s shop via Chookooloonks.

2) Make someone happy with one of Maddie’s magical creations.

3) One day left to enter in Swirly’s Holiday Extravaganza. If you miss that, console yourself in her shop.

4) Treat yourself or a loved one to one of Liz’s treasures. They will make the recipient feel extra special!

Happy Christmas!

december views 15

Look who came to see us at the hotel today!

december views 14

What I woke up to this morning.

Lights on my balcony. Yes, I need an extension cord!

Starting the morning with a coffee by candle light

Photo of my lovely hubby on my night stand. I miss him so much.

december views 13

Today Maddie and I went to a little private arts show at the lovely home of Amy and David - thank you Linda Sue for telling me about their magical house and this wonderful event!

The evening was concluded, as so often these days, with red wine at the Skylarks Hidden Cafe in Fairhaven:

december views 12

Lilly experiencing her first snow last December.

Coming up for air. I am exhausted but it is a good kind of exhausted. This was a tough week schedule-wise, three 24-hour shifts within five days, while spending the few hours I had at home completing my annual photobook for my parents in Germany. I am happy to say that it got ordered last night, this time I am using blurb.com instead of Mac’s iPhoto, for the simple reason that I am printing a minimum of three books and at over 200 pages this was getting too expensive in iPhoto. Hopefully the blurb quality will be as good.

While putting together the photos I came across this one of Lilly, taken in December 2007. And suddenly the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I still miss them so much and not many days go by without me thinking about them. They were my little babies and the feeling of having abandoned them has never quite subsided. And while we found a new home for them I have always had some doubts about it, and whether they would be safe there and, most of all, loved? They were not the most affectionate cats but I loved them for their little personalities and their own ways of showing their contentment and affection. And when Coco, the more difficult of the two, climbed onto me every night, settling into my tummy or my hips, purring her little heart out, then the world was ok because I knew that she felt safe and loved. Leaving them behind was one of the most difficult things I have ever done but taking them with me was just not in their best interest, for so many reasons.

I don’t know why looking at their photos today made me melt down a little. Perhaps it is the realization that living your dream does come with sacrifices. Living so far from my husband and giving up my sweeties may be small compared to the sacrifices made by so many people in this world who experience real suffering, yet this knowledge does not ease the pain. The hurt is real, nonetheless.

Was is still the right thing to do? Yes. I am still not finding it easy to put into words how I feel since I moved to the Pacific Northwest. Everything over here has fallen into place and as the restlessness of the recent years slowly glides off me it is replaced by an inner calm and peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Sure, the new job is taking it all out of me right now but truth to be told, it also makes me feel wonderfully alive and grateful. Plus, I have never been a 9-5 girl and actually like working irregular hours. And the crazy schedule of my first three weeks is not going to last forever. After all, I am in charge of it and I have big plans for making it a lot more efficient and balanced. All this time away at work has also had a rather lovely side affect: I LOVE coming home to my cozy little apartment. Seriously, this place is becoming such an oasis for me, my comforting and warming cocoon. As soon as I unlock the door and step in a wave of happiness washes over me. Honestly, this might sound very silly, but that’s what happens.

And so, for tonight, I send a prayer for my sweeties, wishing for them to be ok. And loved. And tomorrow I am going to have a sleep-in because I have the weekend off. Yay! And then I am going over to the cat shelter for some TLC (I am volunteering there) and then Maddie and I will go and visit an art’s show here in Bellingham, and in the evening a friend from Vancouver invited me up for some “Gluhwein.”

I actually started this post with other topics on my mind and this is what kind of blurted out. And that’s ok, isn’t it? And now it is time for some sleep. Good night.

december views 8

This is what happens when I am tired and have little energy to even think about a subject. I was lying down this afternoon for a brief nap, following a 24-hour shift and before I had to go off again to a Chambers of Commerce dinner, when I noticed the Christmas lights on my balcony sparkle at me through the blinds in the twilight. It felt cozy and warm.

I attended the dinner with my boss and it was nice to be out with her and meet some local business owners. But boy, half way through the reward ceremony and speeches I could barely keep my eyes open. It was funny actually because the event decidedly reminded me of my corporate days when I attended many such events, it was like being thrown back in time. But I enjoyed it, it feels just so good to be amongst people and to bathe in the energy and buzz of it all. I managed to last for a couple of hours but I was fading away fast and so I bid my goodbye and left early. Which was perfectly ok and I appreciated being able to make that decision without feeling bad about it.

There is much about this job that I love though, despite the long hours. I get such a kick out of the comings and goings of our guests and taking a snapshot of their lives, and being a part of that snapshot, while they are staying with us. Every day I have interesting conversations with truly lovely people. And I am growing very fond of my little team as I get to know them and their quirks and their stories.

Anyway, better try and get some sleep while I can! Zzzzzz …

december views 7

My favorite three from my Santa collection. Tom and I bought these when we first moved to Massachusetts, from a quirky Scandinavian shop in Northampton, depicting our little US family: him, me and his son. I miss them.

december views 6

Christmas tea.

Today I give you some December views into my mother’s apartment at Christmas last year. (Yes, I am still cheating a little but I think these are worth it!) This is the same apartment where I grew up in, with four of us sharing 2.5 rooms. The table above is where my room used to be; my mother opened it up by removing a wall, creating a beautiful light space. I hope you enjoy this peak into German living!

I love these lights and my mother gave me my own, but unfortunately they don't work over here because of the difference in voltage.

Like me, my mother loves candles.

Cat gallery in my mother's hallway, collected from everyone in the family. I drew mine 40 years ago and the purple one next to it (on the right) is by my husband, he drew that two years ago as a Christmas present for my mother.

My mother makes these sculptures, she is a very crafty potter.

The red container in the corner is a Jean Paul Christo original, the artist who gave us the covered Reichtstag in Berlin and other amazing art installations.

German Christmas Stollen.

I love the art my mother has collected around her apartment.

My mother's wall art is a mixture of her children's creations and pieces by well known artists.

december views 5

Christmas market in my home town Cologne. December 20, 2007.

december views 4

Be my light.

Eary morning mist.

Morning frost.

Find your path.

Life is a mystery.

Enchanted.

Interurban trail.

Interurban trail.

Reach.

View from the boardwalk in my town.

Stars at my favorite cafe.

My bicycle takes me to wondrous places.

december views 3

I never used to put up colored lights for Christmas but this year I felt like something cheerful and I have to say, I love them!

2 a.m.

Waiting at the dentist.

december views 2

Richmond Green, London. December 23, 2007.

Today I hit the wall. I was in a meeting with my manager and suddenly it just hit me. Or I it. It took everything I had to remain focused on our topic. It was a good meeting actually and we always go to nice places for it, usually one of the many excellent local restaurants but today we just had a coffee in the sweet coffee shop above the bookstore which offers the loveliest view of the bay. But even the views could not keep me from feeling overwhelmed and, well, just plain tired.

However, I knew that I would reach this point eventually given this last week. And really, it was ok. I left a little earlier and looked forward to spending the evening with my lovely friend from Canada. We caught the happy hour in a cozy restaurant around the corner and I soon chilled out over a couple of glasses of red wine and the kind of easy and thoughtful conversation that I so treasure about our friendship. And it didn’t matter that my accent grew thick with tiredness and my English dropped a notch or two in its coherence and quality. I felt warm and happy.

The photo? Well, I am cheating. I did take a couple of pictures at the restaurant but they just didn’t turn out as I was too tired to really focus on a subject or theme. So I am using one from last year instead, one that also reminds me of cozy and happy times spent with friends in December.

december views 1

Angel feet dancing in the light.

What a week. In fact, it feels more like a month since I started my new job. Long hours and not much time off mean that there is little space to focus on much else. But as I spent today doing the orientation with the new employee who I hired last week I also realized how much I have already learned in those seven days. I was thrown in at the deep end and I am swimming. And the more secure I feel in what I am doing the more I like it. Mind you, I still have a long way to go and lots to learn. But despite feeling very tired and stressed over not being able to finish my presents this year, I also sense this optimistic energy bubbling away underneath it all. Focus and balance remain the key words this month. And that means mostly spending time at work, visiting the animal shelter (where I volunteer) when I can for some cat TLC, seeing my friends in Vancouver in between shifts, and planning for my husband’s visit in just over three weeks. I dropped the planned wine & cheese party with my neighbors and right now I am not sure whether I will be able to finish the annual photo book on time that I have been making for my husband and my parents every Christmas for the last four years. But I will try and do my December Views even though I almost forgot that they started today! And now I am going to chill out for the next couple of hours before returning to the hotel for the night shift, where, unless something out of the ordinary happens, I will actually be able to catch up on some much needed sleep! At least until 6 a.m.!